Chapter Twenty Three

Reality

Edward Pov

I awoke the next morning alone. The bed was made and Bella was nowhere to be seen. I looked at my clock displaying the time to be just after 10am. Where is she? I wondered. I crawled off my couch and made my way downstairs, running my fingers through my hair as I did so. It was a habit of mine that infuriated Alice. I searched around the house for her but came up short. It wasn't till I was making my way back up stairs I saw her. I moved closer to the glass panel windows to get a better look. She lay on the grass wearing the tiniest fucking shorts I have ever seen, and I've seen short, and a baggy t-shirt tied at the waist. She had a book in her hands that she was studying intently, she looked so natural as if she belonged. As if she was always here, but she wasn't always here. As I stood watching her I thought about how it would feel to be her which is shit I just don't do. It was getting too much for me being around her. She was always there, and right ok so she did live here too now and we did share a room and yes I am the one going about the house looking for her, but Charlie's still out there and he could come back for her at any time. I'm just being careful, that's all. I felt guilty for what had happened the day before. I mean fuck she was raped and then we.. but it's done and I can't do shit about it now. I made my way back up stairs and got dressed. My wounds were almost healed and Bella's were a lot less sore. We would be back to school soon, back to normal. In a way I was dreading going back. I didn't know what shit was being said about what happened. I'd had a few texts and a few calls just to update me on the gossip, but no one mentioned anything about me not being there or little miss goody too shoes either. I was surprised. I was sure Newton would have at least mentioned about the bandages but as far as I could tell, nobody knew. Kaycee was back at student housing today which meant Bella was back in with Alice tonight. I finally got my own fucking room back and everything can just go back to the way it was. It's better for everybody that way. I don't need to look like a dick being all considerate and shit, Bella can start again do what she likes. Everybody's happy. I wasn't going to treat her like shit any more and we still had a project to finish and shit but we run in completely different circles, we couldn't be friends. Just as I was walking out the door Bella had started walking in. If she'd have stopped reading her book and fucking paid attention we wouldn't have almost banged into each other. She looked up completely oblivious and smiled at me. “I..I thought we could work on our project today since were nearly back and we'll have to do it at some point.” She said with a smile on her face. Of course she was still miss goody too shoes that hadn't changed over night and of course she wanted to have everything done. “Whatever.” I said in response as I walked past her to the stairs. “Like we could work on it just now?” She said as more of a question than telling me. “Put some clothes on first, you look indecent.” I didn't really mean it how it sounded but I'm a warm blooded male and less clothes is a distraction. I didn't look back as I walked down the stairs. It was easier that Bella realize now that this friendship, bond, whatever the fuck we had formed wasn't going to work out. I knew it was harsh but she had to learn. That's just the way my world works. She came into the kitchen not long later with jeans and a baggy jumped on. I told her to put more clothes on not look as frumpy as possible. It was the only clothes of her own she had here and she was wearing them instead of Alice's. She completely confused me in every way she was so different from what I first thought but so much the same. Everything she does is completely the opposite of what you think she'll do, she constantly surprises you. Her face was emotionless, cold, hard. I hadn't seen this look before, I could normally read some kind of emotion in her face but it was like looking at an empty shell. “So were making soup as our starter. I thought lentil would be easier. I asked your mum to get the ingredients for us so we have everything we need. Can you cut up the vegetables and I'll boil the water and put the stock in?” She said everything so matter of fact no feeling behind it, and she was moving around as though lifeless. I wondered briefly what the fuck had got her acting so strange when she pressed a knife into my hand before turning and doing what she was doing. I started chopping shit up as instructed as she poured orange shit into the pot, I didn't have a fucking clue what she was doing and to be honest I didn't really care. I wanted to pass the project though and the only way I could was with her teaching me so I followed everything she told me to do. In the end we made a pretty fucking good soup if I do say so myself. Even my mum commented on how good it was. That night I was laying in bed watching two and a half men laughing my ass of at Charlie Sheen, the man truly was a legend, when Bella walked in. “What do you want?” I asked automatically. “I..I..well I..” For fucks sake. “Spit it out!” I prompted her. She looked close to tears and I instantly felt bad. I wasn't trying to be cruel or nasty towards her but she seemed to bring out the worst in me. “Look I'm sorry,” I said. “Is there something you wanted?” “I.. well I want to go to bed.” I looked at her in confusion. “Well go to bed then.” Wasn't that the most obvious thing to do? She started making her way over to my couch when it dawned on me what she meant. “Bella, you do realize now that Kay's back at her dorm your back in Alice's room now.” I told her explaining it slowly, how could someone so smart be so dumb. “Oh right, ok.” She muttered, her face turning the usual colour of beetroot red, as she slipped back out the room. I watched the door for a few minutes after she left. I crept up slowly and quietly across the hall to Alice's room and put my ear up against the door. I half expected Alice to catch me again but after a few minutes I heard talking. “Alice, why is Edward, you know, the way he erm is?” “You mean a jackass?” Alice laughed. “Well yeah?” “That's just Edward, Bella, he only cares about himself and nothing and no one else is important.” “I don't think he means it. I think deep down he does care, he just doesn't know how.” Bella's last statement stayed in my head for days after I heard it. Was that the truth? Did I care but just didn't know how to show it? Is that why I lashed out? I was driving myself crazy thinking about it and the rest of the time I was cooking with Bella. I hardly spoke to her at all, the only conversation between us in days was her telling me what to do and me asking when I fucked it up. Her and Alice seemed to be getting along really well but when she wasn't laughing with Alice about something she was quiet, subdued. It was like she was two different people sometimes. We were both going back to school the next day and Bella had me as prepared as I ever would be for our project. I wasn't sure if I would have to cook tomorrow or if we would even get excused. Maybe it would be postponed for a couple of weeks, either way I knew my shit and I actually felt good being prepared.

Bella Pov

I woke up early the next day. Edward was breathing heavily in his sleep, he looked so peaceful and I didn't want to disturb him. I saw the Romeo and Juliet book we studied last year for English on his shelf and decided to borrow it. I made my way outside and just lay down on the grass enjoying the light sunshine in the sky. It was rare to have sun in Forks and I thought I'd make the most of it. I lay reading for what felt like five minutes but it must have been hours. I started making my way back inside to get dressed. I was too engrossed in my reading I almost walked straight into Edward coming out of his room. Our room. It was hard to wrap my head around that. I had asked Esme a few days earlier if she could get the ingredients we needed for out project so we could start preparing before we went back to school. Of course she agreed and stocked the cupboards with everything we needed. I asked Edward if we could practice and his response was very short. It seemed as though he had changed. Last night he was so sweet and kind and different to the person I thought he was. I had given myself to him, my whole self, not just my body but my heart as well and now it was as if he had completely forgotten what had happened between us. Hadn't he felt what I felt he had said he loved me too. Surly that meant something. “Like we could work on it just now?” I prompted him. I thought he was maybe distracted by something and that's why he was being different but his response told me otherwise. “Put some clothes on first, you look indecent.” Of course that's why he was acting different. Last night he was being nice because of what had happened. Now he didn't need to pretend, I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't experienced enough. My body wasn't what he wanted, wasn't nice enough. I felt the tears on my face before I even registered I was crying. I felt like my heart was being ripped in two. As if I'd just lost a part of my soul. I wiped at my face furiously with the back of my hand. No Bella. I wasn't going to be one of those girls, I wasn't going to cry over Edward Cullen. I'd been through too much already to let this get me down. I put my own clothes on, suddenly not wanting to tarnish Alice's clothes with my impurities. I felt cheap and nasty and it only fitted that I looked the part too. I could tell Edward was shocked at my appearance when he saw me. It was who I was. Removing me from Charlie's house and putting me here didn't make a difference to the person I was. The person I am. It's a different house, a different life, but I've not changed. I told Edward what to do and pretty much bossed him around apart from that I never uttered a word. If he wanted it to be this way then this was the way it would be. Later on that night I was getting tired. I had spent time with Alice watching T.V in the family room and I was beat. I told her I was going to bed and made my way upstairs. I went into the bathroom to change into my night clothes and made my way into Edwards room. Edward looked surprised to see me which was odd given that we shared a room. “What do you want?” He spat at me. I stuttered trying to reply, wasn't it obvious what I wanted? I told him I wanted to go to bed and started making my way over to the couch assuming he wanted his bed back. He explained about Kaycee and that I was back sharing a room with Alice and I left blushing furiously. When I got into Alice's room she was already there. “Alice can I ask you something?” I started. I had grown really fond of Alice from my time staying here and she had became like a friend to me. “Of course, you can ask anything.” She replied. “Alice, why is Edward, you know, the way he erm is?” “You mean a jackass?” She laughed. “Well, yeah?” “That's just Edward, Bella, he only cares about himself and nothing and no one else is important.” “I don't think he means it. I think deep down he does care, he just doesn't know how.” Alice looked at me for a moment like she was contemplating something. “Bella, you like him don't you?” The blush rising up on my face told her all she needed to know but I answered anyway. “Alice, I think, no I know I'm in love.” Alice looked shocked. I suppose I couldn't blame her. I would be shocked too if the roles were reversed. “You love him? Well why don't you do something about it? I mean I honestly don't see what you see but if you do feel that way then go for it.” She made it seem so simple but it wasn't simple it was the hardest situation I had ever been in. “Yes, I do. What can I do Alice? He doesn't want to be with someone like me and I don't want to change just to get him.” Alice nodded in understanding and we decided to call it a night. Over the next few days I practised cooking constantly and when I wasn't cooking I was doing things with Alice. She liked making me up and I didn't mind letting her as long as she didn't go too overboard. I kept my conversations with Edward as minimal as possible, in fact the only words we shared was me telling him what to do and him swearing every time he did something wrong. Apart from that I stayed completely out of his way. It was killing me inside but I had to. Trying to be something to someone who doesn't want you I did for long enough, and I wasn't going back down that road again. I finally had a future that could be mine I didn't want to waste it. I tried to avoid him as much as possible but living in the same house as him it was nearly impossible. I closed my eyes listening to Alice snore gently beside me. I couldn't believe we had to go back to school tomorrow. I was nervous and anxious and scared and worried and a million more emotions mixed in. I didn't want to go. I knew how people were and I didn't want to be the subject of gossip. I didn't like the attention, I'd much rather stay as far out the spotlight as possible. Who knows maybe nobody will have noticed me gone, maybe it wont be such a big deal. That was the only hope I had to cling on to as I let myself drift off to sleep.