Chapter Eighteen

Denial

Edward Pov

I shushed Bella for about the fifth fucking time that night. We'd just finished dinner which she thankfully got through without bursting into tears.

"He-he-he loved her so-o-o much, he wrote her let-et-etters, and he died." Was all she kept saying every time the tears came.

"For fucks sake." I said, I was beginning to get agitated. That was the last time I put on a fucking chick flick.

"I know." Was all she said obviously misinterpreting my meaning.

Fucking women! Why do they need to be so fucking emotional! Does she know it's just a fucking film?

"It's just a film." I told her, just in case she didn't already grasp that.

"I know that, but don't you see, he cares about her so much that he leaves her letters for her to read when he's gone so she wont miss him as much. It makes it that little bit more bearable for her to say goodbye. After that year of letters she has to go on without him though, and all she wants to do is hold on to him. They argued and had fights, but in the end it didn't matter, it seemed pointless to her, and she hated that they had had arguments when she should've appreciated him so much more than what she did. It shows you that life's too short, and that grudges are insignificant in the end."

She burst into fresh tears on the last word. It was the most I had ever heard her speak. It didn't take a genius to work out that she wasn't crying over the film. She was crying because she didn't have anyone to miss her when she was gone, she had never experienced love, all she had in her life was hurt. It was that reason and that reason alone that I continued to hold her close to me and let her cry.

"Let it all out, it's ok, I'm here." I told her.

Stop being such a fucking pussy, comforting her, you should be banging her or leaving her to get soppy with Alice!

The minute I thought about banging Bella my dick began to stir.

Damn hormones. It's not her, it's because you've not had any.

I kept repeating that in my mind hoping Bella wouldn't notice the obvious bulge I could feel. I knew she felt it the moment I saw her face, I wouldn't be surprised if her cheeks burned me they were getting that hot.

I'm a teenage fucking boy, I'm allowed to get hard occasionally even if it is fucking inappropriate!

I defended myself in my head not daring to say it aloud. I suppose I couldn't blame her if she was surprised though, I had never noticed her like that. She seemed too snobby, too geeky. If I had actually paid attention at all I might have realized that she was suffering, that the reason she didn't speak to people and paid so much attention to her work was to avoid the pain she already felt. She didn't feel like she could talk to anyone, and I just made it worse for her. I did feel like a monster for what I had made her feel, but I knew what I made her feel was nothing compared to her own family.

Finally she settled down, I let her go to the bathroom first, being chivalrous and shit. When she came back I went and did my thing. When I came back in Bella was on my couch wrapped up in the covers. I laughed, I wasn't that much of a prick that I would make her sleep on my couch. I tip-toed over to the couch knowing she wouldn't hear me, I just prayed she didn't open her eyes before I got to her. When I got to the couch I grabbed her into my arms intending to put her into my bed, but instead she let out a blood curling scream.

For fuck sake Edward, the girl is sensitive, scared shit less and emotional!

I didn't think she would have reacted that way, I went from treating Bella like a leper to treating her like a normal girl when she was neither. She was fragile and going through shit that I never wanted to fully understand. She was like an angel with broken wings, she needed some care and shit to make her fly again.

Well of course the whole fucking family heard the scream and came running into my room.

"What the fuck?" Emmett said speaking for everyone. He was rubbing his eyes, we'd obviously just woke him up. I felt bad Emmett was working constant shifts lately as well as being at college. He had knocked up his girlfriend Rosalie, and even though dad would have been happy to help him he wanted to provide for his family himself, so he was working as much as possible to save for a house and shit before the baby was born.

"Sorry," I said as Bella just lay in my arms blushing like crazy. "I scared her, I forgot about shit, everything's cool you can all go back to bed."

"Edward language," My father chided me. "Are you ok Isabella?"

Bella nodded which seemed to be sufficient enough for him and he took my mothers hand and led her out my room. Alice glared at me before smiling at Bella and telling Kaycee loudly that I was an ass while she walked out.

"Just kick him in the balls if he gives you any trouble." Emmett half yawned as he walked back to his room. I didn't think he was even fully awake. Bella seemed to find his comment funny as she giggled in my arms. It was then I realized I was still holding on to her. I dumped her on the bed as if she was a hot potato and then I immediately felt bad.

I have a fucking conscience now?

"Sorry." I said. I seemed to be using the word a lot lately. I never used to use it at all. She smiled at me.

"No, I'm sorry, I should have realized it was just you, I didn't mean to scream you just surprised me that was all. I don't feel right taking your bed, I'm a guest here and I know you don't like me and you probably wish I wasn't in your home at all, I know you get comments at school about it. I'm sorry for all the trouble I'm causing in your life, I don't want to take your bed too. Someone like me shouldn't be treated so nicely, you should make me sleep on the floor."

I just stared at her, my mouth hanging open. She seemed to be talking a lot for someone who never used to speak at all.

She thinks you don't like her, she thinks she's not good enough to be treated nice, not good enough for anything.

I didn't need a conscience to know that shit was plain wrong.

"Bella," I started. I was unsure of the right words to use, I wasn't good at this shit, this was more Alice's forte. "I'm sorry for everything I've done to you in the past, it was wrong. I see that now. I'm a fuck up Bella, that's all I'm good at, it's all I'll ever be good at. Your right you are a guest here and you should be treated like a guest and have my bed, it's the least I can do after all the shit I did to you. Your not causing me any trouble, people can say what they like. I do like you by the way and you deserve to be treated human, you are a person Bella. "Someone like you" What do you mean by that? Your no different to Alice, or any other girl Bella, you should be treated a lot better than what you get treated."

It was the longest speech I had ever said in my life. I wasn't exactly respectful to girls, I was a get my hole kinda guy, but every girl I had been with had knew that. They knew what I wanted, I made it clear to them, they were free to walk away. I didn't like rape, I despised it. It was only cowards that raped a girl, to get power or whatever the fuck reason. I would never do that to anyone. I let them make their own choices, I had never had a girl walk away, Bella was the only exception, but knowing what I know now, I can't blame her. She responded to my speech completely different to how I expected.

"I don't want your sympathy, I don't need it." She pretty much spat the words at me.

What were you expecting? Her to fall at her feet?

I blinked at her. She looked so fucking defiant and angry and hot. I didn't know whether to scream at her for taking that interpretation or kiss her for being so damn feisty. As usual I went for the fucked up solution.

I kissed her. Again.

This time however I kissed her passionately. I didn't force myself on her, I gave her a chance to pull away if she wanted to. She didn't. She did the complete opposite, she pushed her tongue into my mouth. I could taste the mint toothpaste she had used. She was infurating, she never did what I expected. She was completely unpredictable. I was now hovering over her on my bed, her arms were tight around my neck pulling me to her. It felt like we had been kissing for hours. I had my arms holding me up but they weren't going to hold for long. She knocked me onto my back. Bella. Bella Swan knocked me onto my back. Her mouth never left me as her small body lay on top of me. I let my hand wander over her stomach, she was so fucking skinny. I could smell strawberry from her hair and I could taste the mint on her tongue. I was completely intoxicated by her. I stopped myself before I tried to go too far, staring into her brown eyes. We lay like that for about five minutes just staring into each others eyes. It was like she could see inside my soul. I didn't like it. She was too innocent to see the darkness in me. She was a damsel in distress. Me? I was a monster always searching for my next prey. She needed a guy like Mike, he was her prince charming. As if she could read me, she let herself slip off me and curled herself into a ball pulling my covers over her.

I wasn't sure whether I should get up and go over to the couch or stay where I was. It was so fucking confusing having to think about what I was doing all the time. I was Edward fucking Cullen I did as I pleased damn the consequences. After battling with myself I got up to go to the couch.

"Hold me?"

It was a request, not a command. It was a request I couldn't deny her of. I had never just slept in a bed with a girl, well one that I wasn't related to. I climbed under the covers and put my arms around her. She adjusted herself to my body and it was as if she just fit there.

She just fit there? Get a fucking grip. She's Cinderella, your fucking shrek. Well not shrek he's ugly, your more like, well your not fucking good anyway. She's just looking for comfort and all you want is to get your dick wet.

It didn't take her long to fall asleep. She lay peacefully in my arms.

"Edward." She murmured. I was about to respond when I realized she was sleeping. She was sleep talking and she said my name. Was she dreaming about me?

I smiled to myself before letting sleep take me.

Bella Pov

I awoke to find myself in Edwards arms. I struggled to remember how that had happened when it dawned on me that I had asked him to hold me. He had kissed me again and I could feel things that I had never felt before. I had felt a desire, an arousal. I was ashamed of myself. I should never have kissed him back. I had behaved terribly, he probably thought I would've slept with him just like any other girl. He must've been aware of the effect he was having on me.

He's the one that stopped the kiss before it got awkward.

I pushed the voice to the back of my mind.

I yawned and stretched being careful not to wake Edward. The alarm hadn't rang out yet and I wasn't sure what time it was. After glancing at the clock it told me it was only 3:30am. It always seemed to be dark in Edwards bedroom, which I assumed he liked, so I was never fully aware of what time it was without the aid of a clock or a watch.

I knew Charlie was due home soon, and I would have to leave here and go back to "hell". I wasn't sure which day he was due back and if he even knew where I was. I wasn't sure if he would come to get me or if he would just assume I had ran away and leave me here. It was Friday today and I figured if it wasn't today it would most likely be Sunday. I had to admit I was terrified, I wasn't ready to leave the safety I had felt lately. I was beginning to become me again, that little girl who had a mother who loved her. The little girl that had dreams and ambitions. I yearned for that, but instead I had nightmares and no sense of security.

You have a date tonight!

I had just remembered about Mike, and I was dreading tonight. I had said yes on impulse and hadn't really thought it through. Mike was Mike, he was no prince, he wasn't even the stable boy. I suppose I wasn't being fair, I didn't really know him, but I didn't really want to get to know him.

I snuggled into Edwards embrace closing my eyes once again. I had never felt so safe, so secure, so comfortable. It was at that moment lying there in his arms, smelling that fragrant honey scent he always seemed to smell of, feeling his muscly arms wrapped around my tiny frame that I realized.

I love him.